Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
They took my balls.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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