He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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