a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
