I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
