If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
