just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
