i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize