Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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