i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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