Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
