when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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