the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
