ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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