once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You were trust falling into bushes
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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