I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
