; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
