apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
