and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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