if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize