i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
there is glitter all over my balls
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
