I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
