woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also, beer. Big fan.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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