That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
