I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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