its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
pop tarts are not kleenex
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
