Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
