Cold hands, warm shart.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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