so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
