If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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