As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
