i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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