I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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