My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
