I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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