very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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