You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
