Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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