my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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