Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
