wanna go halves on a baby?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize