Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(714): View more from California

It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.

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(585): View more from New York

there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(661): View more from California

First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair

(501): View more from Arkansas

Strong work

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk

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(607): View more from New York

Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.

(607): View more from New York

OMG THE ANT WON

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