I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
