Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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