there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I love you.
Bad choice
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
