Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
