I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
