It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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