life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
