this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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