my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
