Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
