It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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