You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize