Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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