i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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