The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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