Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
