my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
