and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
